The Gifts of Grace and Mercy and the ADD/ADHD Mind

So here I am up late again and my mind is drifting back over this day gone by.

Since this blog is supposed to keep the theme of ADD/ADHD at its core, then this post is going to follow that path.

Our daughter had a half day at school today and it was themed as “Grandparents Day.” However, it may be named, only one day in the 6 years of grade school has either set of Grandparents been able to attend any of the special grandparent events. It’s not their fault, since both sets live outside of California anyway. So, in any event, my wife and I attend these special events for our daughter.

Those who don’t know us would mistake at least myself as a grandparent anyway due to my nearly white beard.

I don’t resent it, after all we were late bloomers as parents, with us bringing home our daughter from the hospital when I was 40 years old.

Back to the subject that I wanted to cover:

At the annual special event for Grandparents Day, which is held in honor of Easter and the death and resurrection of Jesus 2,000 years ago, all of the different grade levels from kindergarten through eighth grade take their turns performing choir songs, scripture readings, and instrumentals.

This event has always touched my heart and in many ways beyond just the performances of our own daughter. It is quite entertaining watching the many different children bringing their own special gifts and talents to bear in their performances.

With this day in particular, I was at one point very focused on a little 3^rd grader on the back row of the risers. My wife had previously brought up this boy in a 3^rd grade class in which she volunteers every Friday. She said that he was clearly on the “spectrum” with ADD/ADHD and after observing him, I am sure she is correct. Not still for even one moment, he was determined to get his neighbors attention and engage her in conversation during the songs they were supposed to be singing. Interestingly too, I could see that he seemed to know the majority of the song’s verses. Maybe he was bored, or maybe as I have experienced as an ADD person that he is high on the distractibility spectrum.

Though I could see where one might be frustrated or angry over this boy’s distracted and distracting behavior, I could not help but entertain numerous thoughts as to why his behavior might be graciously overlooked or downplayed.

You see, as I have brought up before, many of us (obviously myself included) are aware of our many tendencies to frustrate our loved ones, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc. by exhibiting common ADD/ADHD behaviors. In example: incessant and excessive talking, constant movement, inappropriate or ill-timed verbal outbursts, or loss of focus. I could go on.

Generally, if we have had our behavior pointed out to us and our condition has been thoroughly diagnosed with someone having carefully explained it to our understanding, then being aware of it, we will typically attempt to self-regulate our behavior. Unfortunately, I would generally say that the previous statement is an oxymoron for an ADD/ADHD person. Self-regulation and self-control (especially without medication) is pretty much a really tall order for us.

All of this to say, yes, we are sorry for how much we stumble you and trip you up daily. We’re sorry for when we get frustrated and angry when you repeatedly have to correct or reprimand us over our actions. And please know that even though we either lose our tempers or show our frustration, we do love you. Our coping skills and or our medications are not perfect controls for the things we do and say.

This is where grace comes in.

You see, grace and mercy have to be available in abundant supply when you are either on the spectrum or interact with someone who is. I know it’s not easy and I know that sometimes it seems that we maybe frustrate you on purpose, but please listen: the last thing we really ever want to do is be the cause of hurt or frustration on your part. We need your love, friendship, kindness, mentoring, teaching, and straight up truthfulness to help us grow and thrive in this increasingly challenging and unforgiving world.

Believe me when I tell you that for us, it is very hard to walk through life often being made to feel the sting of not being able to please those around us on a regular basis. It can be overwhelming to feel as if there is no hope for improvement or that we can never quite meet the standards for how we ought to interact with the world around us.

Just as you have asked that we try and understand how frustrating it is for you to deal with us daily, please do the same courtesy for us and as much as you can so that you can maybe catch a brief glimpse of what life looks like through our lenses.

For the weaknesses that you perceive are in our lives, are more often than not, offset by gifts and talents that when tapped and given an outlet can bring beauty and enrichment to you and I both.

What am I asking by writing this piece?

Just this simple thing: Let’s promise to extend each other an extra portion of patience and mercy each day and in each situation where our lack of focus may be frustrating for you and your flaring temper may feel threatening to us.

We may not always be able to be the person you envision us as, but we ultimately want to grow, learn, mature, and otherwise find a way to navigate and cope in this world so that we live in peace in it and can contribute to it.

Please don’t quench our spirits by trying to bully us into becoming someone that simply does not exist within us. Please remember that we have “racecar brains” with inadequate brakes.

Sincerely,

Mike

Late Nights and Wide Awake Brains

I cannot speak for all of my fellow ADD compatriots, however I know from the many articles and research studies that I have read through, sleeplessness and ADD definitely can go together. I can personally attest to this since I am one of those that have experienced this. Case in point, tonight. As I write this, it is 12:43 am and I am here at my keyboard and wide awake.

I like many of you have tried different remedies such as taking melatonin before bedtime to try and get around the occasional battle with the brain that just won't shut off. In my worst cases, I have even resorted to Xanax if the racing thoughts were also accompanied by worry or anxiety. And, don't feel like I'll sit here in judgment of you for having resorted to the same.

My recommendation for you would be along the same lines as for myself. Use the time to your benefit and spend the time reading and self-improving. Start a journal and write whatever seems to be cathartic for you at the time. Start a blog. Catch up on corresponding with friends and loved ones who may not have heard from you in a while by sending an email or two. Whatever you do, don't let your awake time go to waste.

For those of you who are the lucky ones who may be reading this after you had a good uninterrupted nights sleep, and you find yourself worried about your ADD loved one or me for that matter. Please don't worry. Really. At 51 years old, I can tell you that this is pretty normal for us ADD folks. We may need the sleep and trust me it will come for us, but after all of these years I can truly tell you, it is not worth it for me or your loved one with ADD to stress over a few lost hours of sleep. It's just better that we roll with it.

Often, after clearing my head of the many left over random thoughts from my day by typing them out here on my keyboard, I sleep better and deeper anyway. It's a joy to share them with you too rather than keeping them all to myself.

Staying up this late, or rather this early that is, I get to sometimes experience that which I would miss while sleeping too. As an example, I am being serenaded by a mockingbird singing his heart out while most everyone else is sleeping. Or, maybe I'm not the only one awake in my neighborhood after all, due to my feathery neighbor's singing. The difference is, that I am smiling and enjoying hearing God's creation singing joyfully into the night rather than being angry that I'm being kept awake.

Enjoy your ADD loved one's take on life, try not to worry about their (our) sleeplessness and once in a while try to see life through their eyes and thoughts. You may find yourself having gained a new perspective and appreciation for the things they see and hear through their distractions and maybe you'll be better for it.

Keeping it random and real,

Mike Meehan
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A Beginning

So.., where to begin.

Everything has a start and for this blog venture, I guess this must be it.

I need you to know some things about me, especially if what may have drawn you to this blog was curiosity.  Maybe you have ADD. Maybe you know or love someone with ADD. Maybe you, like me, not only live with ADD, but you are a parent of a child with ADD.

Just know that you are not alone. Many of us are walking this challenging, but often rewarding journey through the daily lessons related to living with ADD.

You must understand that I am no doctor, I am not a therapist, nor am I remotely an expert on the subject but like many I am adventuring in a world that is colored by the workings of a mind that is not wired conventionally. So, when I open up and say something that you can relate to and it relieves a little stress, makes you feel like someone else understands, gives you a little insight into yourself or a loved one, then I will feel a sense of gratefulness that I was able to give you just a little chance at peace of mind for once.

If you have seen the beginnings of this blog and wondered if I’d ever actually post something beyond the introduction, I do apologize. Procrastination is a part of the whole ADD thing and for right or wrong, this blog may not be one of the most consistent  for having new material showing up at regular intervals. So, I ask sincerely for your patience and hope that you will head down this path of sharing and insight into what I am sure for those without ADD is a landscape of confusion, frustration, and daily challenges to obtain some version of normalcy.

Too, this is a blog where I hope that some of you who stumble across it might actually feel open to sharing with me. Sharing your own experiences with ADD. Sharing your hopes, observations, fears, challenges, and advice regarding your own journey with it. In other words, I hope this blog may actually be somewhat interactive.

Since I am up late studying to get my FINRA Series 6 & 63 licenses, I am going to keep this first post short and simple.

As a discussion starter, what is one of the things that you find that makes you or someone you care about with ADD different than other folks around you? What do you like about this trait? What do you find challenging about this trait?

For me personally, the thing that comes first to my mind is my unique observation skills. I know this is a real trait for me, because I never really thought it was anything different or special until my wife pointed it out to me.

I have this strange and random ability to notice things that others often completely miss going on in the world around me. As an example, given almost any day while I am out driving, it is almost a complete norm for me to spot wildlife and unusual activity acted out by wildlife that is invariably completely under the radar for those around me that do not have ADD.

It is not at all unusual for me to spot something like a hawk capturing a pigeon alongside a local road in my peripheral vision while driving, or a lightly camouflaged insect on a shrub in my garden as I stomp by my roses while mowing. Early in my marriage, my wife was often surprised by these observations, a) because I often spotted creatures or situations that were “cool,” or would have been totally missed if I had not pointed them out to her, and b) I often observe these things while not looking directly at them or searching for them. Most often, I again, make these sightings with my peripheral vision and not by “eyes forward” sightings.

The same phenomenon happens to me with sound observation. This one issue is more of a challenge with me than what I just described in regards to sight. The challenge with sound intrusion for me is that I often need to be “focused” on a conversation that I am supposed to be engaged in, but find instead that the guy mowing his lawn up the street is what keeps intruding itself on my hearing. Or, I need to be sleeping, but instead, I am kept awake by the distant sound of my dog quietly whining in the front half of our home. In this example, my wife asked why I was lying awake and tossing and turning. I explained that our dog was making a load of noise and he was keeping me from drifting off. She was unable to hear the dog and even questioned if I was right. Of course I was proven right when I stepped up the hall to the living room and found him at the door of his kennel whining to be let out into the backyard.

I have noticed this same phenomenon in my daughter.

This challenge often got me into trouble growing up. It created a situation where it was easy for some people (often adults, like my school teachers) to label me as a daydreamer with my head in the clouds. And, as an adult this made it extremely difficult to sit through meetings since instead of focusing on the discussion being had about the new software, or accounting techniques that I was supposed to be wrapping my brain around, instead, I was enthralled by the birds swooping by the office window, or the hum and click of the central air system, or the guy going around in circles on his riding mower just outside.

The world is full of stumbling blocks for the ADD brain. All that I hope for in my relationships with those without ADD is that maybe sometimes, that they might not only sympathize with the challenges created by the difference in our brain functions, but that they might find ways to celebrate our differences. That they might find ways to tap into the different ways we may think and our “super-powers” if you will.

If you find yourself in this coming week, confronted by the frustrations that we, your friends and loved ones with ADD bring into your existence, please be patient with us. Please remember that for all of the challenges we do bring (yes, many of us are self-aware of the challenges we cause), we just like you have so much to offer you and the world.

Here’s to a new week ahead. Celebrate the beauty and unique insight that the ADD brain can share with you! Grant us the gifts of patience, understanding, and unconditional love.

Sincerely,

Mike Meehan