The Gifts of Grace and Mercy and the ADD/ADHD Mind

So here I am up late again and my mind is drifting back over this day gone by.

Since this blog is supposed to keep the theme of ADD/ADHD at its core, then this post is going to follow that path.

Our daughter had a half day at school today and it was themed as “Grandparents Day.” However, it may be named, only one day in the 6 years of grade school has either set of Grandparents been able to attend any of the special grandparent events. It’s not their fault, since both sets live outside of California anyway. So, in any event, my wife and I attend these special events for our daughter.

Those who don’t know us would mistake at least myself as a grandparent anyway due to my nearly white beard.

I don’t resent it, after all we were late bloomers as parents, with us bringing home our daughter from the hospital when I was 40 years old.

Back to the subject that I wanted to cover:

At the annual special event for Grandparents Day, which is held in honor of Easter and the death and resurrection of Jesus 2,000 years ago, all of the different grade levels from kindergarten through eighth grade take their turns performing choir songs, scripture readings, and instrumentals.

This event has always touched my heart and in many ways beyond just the performances of our own daughter. It is quite entertaining watching the many different children bringing their own special gifts and talents to bear in their performances.

With this day in particular, I was at one point very focused on a little 3^rd grader on the back row of the risers. My wife had previously brought up this boy in a 3^rd grade class in which she volunteers every Friday. She said that he was clearly on the “spectrum” with ADD/ADHD and after observing him, I am sure she is correct. Not still for even one moment, he was determined to get his neighbors attention and engage her in conversation during the songs they were supposed to be singing. Interestingly too, I could see that he seemed to know the majority of the song’s verses. Maybe he was bored, or maybe as I have experienced as an ADD person that he is high on the distractibility spectrum.

Though I could see where one might be frustrated or angry over this boy’s distracted and distracting behavior, I could not help but entertain numerous thoughts as to why his behavior might be graciously overlooked or downplayed.

You see, as I have brought up before, many of us (obviously myself included) are aware of our many tendencies to frustrate our loved ones, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc. by exhibiting common ADD/ADHD behaviors. In example: incessant and excessive talking, constant movement, inappropriate or ill-timed verbal outbursts, or loss of focus. I could go on.

Generally, if we have had our behavior pointed out to us and our condition has been thoroughly diagnosed with someone having carefully explained it to our understanding, then being aware of it, we will typically attempt to self-regulate our behavior. Unfortunately, I would generally say that the previous statement is an oxymoron for an ADD/ADHD person. Self-regulation and self-control (especially without medication) is pretty much a really tall order for us.

All of this to say, yes, we are sorry for how much we stumble you and trip you up daily. We’re sorry for when we get frustrated and angry when you repeatedly have to correct or reprimand us over our actions. And please know that even though we either lose our tempers or show our frustration, we do love you. Our coping skills and or our medications are not perfect controls for the things we do and say.

This is where grace comes in.

You see, grace and mercy have to be available in abundant supply when you are either on the spectrum or interact with someone who is. I know it’s not easy and I know that sometimes it seems that we maybe frustrate you on purpose, but please listen: the last thing we really ever want to do is be the cause of hurt or frustration on your part. We need your love, friendship, kindness, mentoring, teaching, and straight up truthfulness to help us grow and thrive in this increasingly challenging and unforgiving world.

Believe me when I tell you that for us, it is very hard to walk through life often being made to feel the sting of not being able to please those around us on a regular basis. It can be overwhelming to feel as if there is no hope for improvement or that we can never quite meet the standards for how we ought to interact with the world around us.

Just as you have asked that we try and understand how frustrating it is for you to deal with us daily, please do the same courtesy for us and as much as you can so that you can maybe catch a brief glimpse of what life looks like through our lenses.

For the weaknesses that you perceive are in our lives, are more often than not, offset by gifts and talents that when tapped and given an outlet can bring beauty and enrichment to you and I both.

What am I asking by writing this piece?

Just this simple thing: Let’s promise to extend each other an extra portion of patience and mercy each day and in each situation where our lack of focus may be frustrating for you and your flaring temper may feel threatening to us.

We may not always be able to be the person you envision us as, but we ultimately want to grow, learn, mature, and otherwise find a way to navigate and cope in this world so that we live in peace in it and can contribute to it.

Please don’t quench our spirits by trying to bully us into becoming someone that simply does not exist within us. Please remember that we have “racecar brains” with inadequate brakes.

Sincerely,

Mike