So here I am up late again and my mind is drifting back over this day
gone by.
Since this blog is supposed to keep the theme of ADD/ADHD at its core, then
this post is going to follow that path.
Our daughter had a half day at school today and it was themed as “Grandparents
Day.” However, it may be named, only one day in the 6 years of grade school has
either set of Grandparents been able to attend any of the special grandparent
events. It’s not their fault, since both sets live outside of California
anyway. So, in any event, my wife and I attend these special events for our
daughter.
Those who don’t know us would mistake at least myself as a grandparent
anyway due to my nearly white beard.
I don’t resent it, after all we were late bloomers as parents, with us
bringing home our daughter from the hospital when I was 40 years old.
Back to the subject that I wanted to cover:
At the annual special event for Grandparents Day, which is held in
honor of Easter and the death and resurrection of Jesus 2,000 years ago, all of
the different grade levels from kindergarten through eighth grade take their
turns performing choir songs, scripture readings, and instrumentals.
This event has always touched my heart and in many ways beyond just the
performances of our own daughter. It is quite entertaining watching the many
different children bringing their own special gifts and talents to bear in
their performances.
With this day in particular, I was at one point very focused on a
little 3rd grader on the back row of the risers. My wife had
previously brought up this boy in a 3rd grade class in which she
volunteers every Friday. She said that he was clearly on the “spectrum” with
ADD/ADHD and after observing him, I am sure she is correct. Not still for even
one moment, he was determined to get his neighbors attention and engage her in
conversation during the songs they were supposed to be singing. Interestingly
too, I could see that he seemed to know the majority of the song’s verses. Maybe
he was bored, or maybe as I have experienced as an ADD person that he is high
on the distractibility spectrum.
Though I could see where one might be frustrated or angry over this boy’s
distracted and distracting behavior, I could not help but entertain numerous
thoughts as to why his behavior might be graciously overlooked or downplayed.
You see, as I have brought up before, many of us (obviously myself included)
are aware of our many tendencies to frustrate our loved ones, friends,
co-workers, strangers, etc. by exhibiting common ADD/ADHD behaviors. In
example: incessant and excessive talking, constant movement, inappropriate or ill-timed
verbal outbursts, or loss of focus. I could go on.
Generally, if we have had our behavior pointed out to us and our
condition has been thoroughly diagnosed with someone having carefully explained
it to our understanding, then being aware of it, we will typically attempt to self-regulate
our behavior. Unfortunately, I would generally say that the previous statement
is an oxymoron for an ADD/ADHD person. Self-regulation and self-control
(especially without medication) is pretty much a really tall order for us.
All of this to say, yes, we are sorry for how much we stumble you and
trip you up daily. We’re sorry for when we get frustrated and angry when you
repeatedly have to correct or reprimand us over our actions. And please know
that even though we either lose our tempers or show our frustration, we do love
you. Our coping skills and or our medications are not perfect controls for the
things we do and say.
This is where grace comes in.
You see, grace and mercy have to be available in abundant supply when
you are either on the spectrum or interact with someone who is. I know it’s not
easy and I know that sometimes it seems that we maybe frustrate you on purpose,
but please listen: the last thing we really ever want to do is be the cause of
hurt or frustration on your part. We need your love, friendship, kindness,
mentoring, teaching, and straight up truthfulness to help us grow and thrive in
this increasingly challenging and unforgiving world.
Believe me when I tell you that for us, it is very hard to walk through
life often being made to feel the sting of not being able to please those
around us on a regular basis. It can be overwhelming to feel as if there is no
hope for improvement or that we can never quite meet the standards for how we
ought to interact with the world around us.
Just as you have asked that we try and understand how frustrating it is
for you to deal with us daily, please do the same courtesy for us and as much
as you can so that you can maybe catch a brief glimpse of what life looks like
through our lenses.
For the weaknesses that you perceive are in our lives, are more often
than not, offset by gifts and talents that when tapped and given an outlet can
bring beauty and enrichment to you and I both.
What am I asking by writing this piece?
Just this simple thing: Let’s promise to extend each other an extra
portion of patience and mercy each day and in each situation where our lack of
focus may be frustrating for you and your flaring temper may feel threatening
to us.
We may not always be able to be the person you envision us as, but we
ultimately want to grow, learn, mature, and otherwise find a way to navigate
and cope in this world so that we live in peace in it and can contribute to it.
Please don’t quench our spirits by trying to bully us into becoming
someone that simply does not exist within us. Please remember that we have “racecar
brains” with inadequate brakes.
Sincerely,
Mike
